TRIBE!? C'MON!!

Walking back to my room late into the night, I meet a young man who forgets what he was doing and starts walking with me. Initially I had made a stop at one of the male hostels to purchase airtime and he was there frantically saying hello. I could not ignore the greetings and said hi back minding my own business as I was waiting to be served. I took an effort to ignore his further remarks because I was in no mood to entertain anyone or vice versa. I started walking towards my hostels and there he was walking beside me talking continuously as if he was sent to present a speech to me. To cut the story short, he quickly asks me in his broken English, “Are you Luo?” I look back at him and just smile. He continues talking about how he is convinced that I come from that community simply because of my skin colour. The rest of the words that he said escaped me as I entered deep into my mind to analyze his words.

This is not the first time that someone had voluntarily placed me in a certain community because of one or two characteristics that I possess. However, this usually does not bother me because I like the confusion that people have about my ethnic group. It always leaves me amazed despite hearing it so many times before. I have been placed to fit certain communities that I wonder if this people  are serious. Some have gone further and tried to communicate with me in their dialect that I just look at them and smile. This does not annoy me at all. On the contrary, it is the mindset that most people have about placing an individual to a certain tribe that ticks me off. 

I prefer to be Kenyan by nature and by my tribe. I do not like when I met someone from my tribe and forgets every other language he/she knows and talks to me in my tribal language. I find it annoying and irritable because I wonder if by identifying myself as belonging to his/her tribe will make them like or hate me. My last name may indicate that i come from a certain tribe, but does that conclude that i fully belong to that tribe?  It further annoys me when I meet up with new people and they start conversing through their dialect the whole time I am around. They may have been the ones who invited me to spend time with them and again embark in torturing me in their tribal conversations.  

I look around me and I have to admit that people from various tribes surround me as friends. Honestly, most of my friends come from a certain tribe that I do not consider while becoming friends with them. It is later that I come to learn of their tribe and ignore it as if I do not know it. The other day, Kariuki confessed to me that his grandmother forbade him from marrying a Luo or Luhya woman. He is following the conditions of his grandmother and he has never dated women from both tribes. My God! Why should someone’s tribe be a determinant in finding love? I know there are many people reading this right now and relate through their own experience or from the experience of other people. It made me wonder why does tribe matter with whom you choose to spend your life with? Why should it determine the friends that you keep? Do you look at the tribe and relate with it in every conversation that you have with your friend? Is it not the characteristics and personality that matters?

Politics is brewing in campus right now and in every corner, there are flyers of the candidates. Alongside these flyers, there are white printed sheets of papers calling people from certain tribe to come interact with one another (i have always wondered what is the essence of all this hustle). In the next few weeks, there will political alliances that will form to cater for people of certain tribes. This will cause mayhem if one alliance fails to win the elections. Disaster will befall around campus for a few hours and things will return to normalcy.

Many old people would say that through our severe political clashes there are reasons not to mingle with other communities. There have been dire consequences from our post election violence. However, let us all try to live in a “tribe-less” nation. The reason we have these tribal clashes in the first place is that we allow ourselves to categorize ourselves according to a certain tribe. Interacting and mingling only with people from your tribe is the major cause of the these tribal clashes. Right now am sounding like an optimistic fellow who does not understand the depth of tribal issues in her country. let me put on that face for now because as much as there are changes that can  take place, only people like you can make it happen. Maybe we can overcome this vice and live like a tribe-less nation. Until then, let me hold onto my breath and hope that one day this will become possible in our tribal nation.

Are Metrosexual Men Increasing in our Kenyan Society?

Last weekend I was sitting at a table full of writers having a drink and talking about endless topics that always come up from nowhere in particular. It has always been a to-do list of mine to associate myself with other writers to share and/or borrow some ideas from them. I was particularly feeling great about myself having to mingle with Tony Mochama at the same table(I must admit that I love his writing!). The array of topics were so many ranging from personal to general topics. Despite having so much to talk about and recall, one topic about metro-sexuality stuck to my mind that made me research later about it.

Are Kenyan men becoming more metro-sexual? Are they becoming less macho and tending to have more feminine traits? Is there a problem dating a man who has more pair of shoes abnormal to a “real” man? Is there really a thing like metro-sexuality to begin with?

definition:

Metro-sexual is a term that first came into use in 1994 and it comes from the combination of metro (politan) and hetero (sexual). By urban definition, a metro-sexual is an urban man who has a large disposable income who is able to go for shopping and visit stylists instead of barbers. In the 1980s, these kinds of men were only seen and heard in magazines such as GQ. Other people define them as men who have more pair of shoes than a standard man. They also have beauty products which they actually label and define them as products. It should be noted however that a metrosexual man is not necessarily gay. He can be straight, bisexual or gay.

If you look around the men in your life, do you at least identify one of them? Maybe two or more? Nowadays there are readily available stylist shops around Nairobi CBD and its environs where men go for facials and manicure. There are men who do it more often and they know which product is right for their face and which ones which will leave pimples all over. But does this really term them as metrosexuals?

They say people are different and there are some who are more accommodative than others. I know of a few of my female friends who cannot dream of hanging out with a man who has more pair of shoes that her. Some say that the natural scent of a man full of sweat and a chocking smell is the macho thing about them. Some would rather see their men with crooked nails and dirt under them. Some even give a male person a double look when they see them applying lip balm!

However, I believe that that strict notion about how a man should behave is very old-fashioned. It is true our grandfathers did not bother applying any oil on their skins and they still looked good. It is also true that they did not use any product such as lip balms and still their lips were looking fine. These facts I do not dispute but why should we not embrace a little change in the male grooming?

Grooming whether male or female is a natural thing to do. Women spend the most time in the mirror checking if everything they have worn is in the right place. Some spend an average of about ksh 10,000 to buy a single product. It is a common phenomenon to see women go out of their way to look more beautiful. Kenyan men in our society are also embracing the “spirit of beauty”. It is not news to see a man going to get a pedicure or a manicure or facials at the salons and some go to spas (am sure some of you are gasping).

I always admire men who know how to groom themselves. I personally do not mind a man who uses lip balm on his cracked lips. I also always advocate for colognes and deodorants just to mask the strong smell of sweat. 

However, there should be limits on its usage. I always shudder at the thought of walking with my man to the same salon and getting pedis and mani’s.  It is good to look at neat and clean nails but would rather avoid the pedicure and manicure part. At the back of my mind, I would prefer that he goes to a totally different salon from the ones I go to and get his services. I think it is also extreme for a man who is self-absorbed about their looks. Spending most of the time looking at oneself in the mirror or reflections on surfaces is a woman thing. Though there is no rule dictating it is a woman thing. Others have actually spotted some men checking themselves on shiny surfaces in restaurants. This is too extreme to seem any bit sane. Some men go an extra mile and have dressing up problems like women. They are always checking their closet and putting more thought of what to wear on a normal daily basis. Now, this is what I call something beyond metro-sexuality (I cannot pinpoint the right word for it yet).
I look around Nairobi and see a metrosexual man. He knows where to shop and how to put his fabrics together. He knows how to apply his cologne to fit his personality and taste. This man is around you. I think people should not even put too much thought into them. They are just modern men who have evolved and are fitting into our modern society. Therefore, putting on a little lip balm once in a while is not a metrosexual thing per say! 

Money and new relationships

It has been quite long since I sat down and shared something with you. I have been engaged with so many things that I barely have time for my own writing. Anyway, today why don’t we get acquainted once more? It was girlfriend time once again after a while and there was a lot of catching up to do. During the date I found out that, we share many things in common about a certain matter especially when it comes to new relationships and money. 

It is increasingly becoming common knowledge and habit to have men borrow money from their wives, girlfriends and fiancees. A while back, it was frequent in women, which was mainly due to the notion that men are providers and protectors. It was therefore not a surprise for a woman or a girl to ask her husband, fiance or boyfriend. In fact, it was understandable and encouraged. However, with the call for equality between the male and female gender, the norm has changed gear to cater more males than females. Is it because of our call for equality and “what a man can do, a woman can do better” notion? Is it that the boy child lacks a mentor to teach about men and his responsibilities?

Too often than not I have met up with individuals who while starting to know each other include money into the picture. I am not saying it is wrong to borrow money while in a relationship but its better if you make your timing correct. There is no perfect timing to anything but there is always that one that will be close to the perfect one.

Once or twice as a matter of fact, I have met a man/boy who when we were getting to know each other, brings in the money topic. We are starting to explore some of the things that we have in common and make memories where we can. Everything will be going on all right until that moment when they asked for money after the second meeting, or worse at the first meeting. For real! I am getting to know you for Pete’s sake. To be frank, this took me by surprise because I know and felt that the timing was not okay. It is not wrong for a man to ask a woman for money or vice versa but please let us get to know each other first.

In all scenarios even in marriages, money is always a sensitive matter. There is no individual who would want to disclose all his assets and wealth even to the love of his life. Marriage counselors and advisers know about this. I personally also think the same. There are many reasons why persons would not want to bring money too soon at the table. This is because there are some people who will decide to stay because of the money. Furthermore, the other person may feel insecure that the person is thinking he/she is staying because of his/her money. In either way, there is always that feeling of insecurity, doubt and sometimes greed. For me personally, I would not advice for money to come as one of the topics of new relationships. This is because it might come out too soon make the whole relationship to change its meaning.  However, if it is the opposite and they are asking on the second or third meeting, I prefer to walk away. Call me an old school dog but traditionally the man is always the provider. That is what we girls have always been taught and when you ask us about money on the third date, we get scared. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and that is my opinion.

On the other hand, a few exceptions might make a woman/man decide to help her boyfriend/girlfriend. These exceptions include but not limited to when he chooses the time “perfectly”, when he asks for it kindly and when he is in a genuine need for it. When it comes to asking her/him money kindly considers the level and commitment of the relationship. With money, it comes with trust. Is there adequate trust in the relationship to bring in a sensitive matter like money? What exactly should I tell her/him when asking these questions? There are words that are a total put off when it comes to money. Please do not tell a woman/man “give me money because I am so broke”. You put so many questions to her mind, like “am I your savior that you were waiting for”, or “where have you been getting your money before”. It brings in some aspects of insincerity even if the request is very sincere.

People who are starting to get to know each other in a relationship should take some time away before they include money into the picture. This is because it is a sensitive matter that should be threaded with carefulness and some thought. This applies to both species of mankind; it is a same issue to all of us. After all, friends help each other out once in a while.

Have yourselves a great week ahead!

platonic relationships

I have been debating within myself for a very long time whether to write about this topic or not. There are so many times I have taken my computer, written a page about it and then something clicks in my mind to stop writing. The reason(s) that have been making me to put down my computer and do something else is when I think of my audience. It is hard to look for a specific manner in which I can write this topic and it does not affect my elders. In my opinion, the African society usually shuns away when a man and a woman are just friends. Both male and woman play a role in the society and the only time they can have a chaste relationship is if they have family ties. Therefore, this is what makes me to stop right there at the middle and do something else. Nevertheless, oh well, let me get on with it.

Have you ever walked down a street and seen a boy and a girl walking together, talking laughing? Have you seen a man and a woman walking out of a restaurant together smiling? What comes to your mind? Do you automatically say that they are a couple? Do you conclude that they are in love? In addition, is it possible to have a friend of the opposite gender and just remain friends? Alternatively, is it an illusion that people have that male/female friends are impossible while it is not the case? Do people have to end up on the same bed after sometime doing God knows what? Ever heard of a platonic relationship?

Once upon a time is stumbled across an article written on a relationship blog (seriously-maybe http://seriously-maybe.com/friends-without-benefits/) about platonic relationships. The author was arguing that after sometime a man and a woman who are friends will end up having sex in the end. He further argued that people develop feelings and these feelings lead to intimacy. It got me thinking, is it usually true? Alternatively, is there another outcome to that story?

A platonic relationship is a type of relationship that is non-intimate, chaste or non-sexual. This is a type of relationship that exists between a man and a woman, a boy or a girl or in present day society, between people of the same sex without any forms of sexual activities or intimacy. I know in my society that older men and women always give a suspicious eye to any person who prefers to keep a person of an opposite gender as only friends. But does it have to be case always?

A man and a woman can only be friends without any forms of intimacy. It is possible if both parties know what they want and have. However, this form of relationships requires respect and commitment. A man and a woman can be best friends and they respect each other’s space. There are things that friends do not do and that includes kissing, and having sex. Therefore, in platonic relationships, it has to be clear and ensure that the boundary is not crossed at any time.

The beauty of having a platonic relationship is like having a sister-brother relationship. This comes in handy especially where you require the other person to take care of you. For instance, while going for clubbing your platonic friend is the person most suitable to take care of you. They will see your crazy side that your boyfriend or girlfriend may get a cardiac arrest when they see it and still they do not judge you. They will take care of you when you have drunk one too many and you end up blacking out (kuchew blackout). Overall, they will stick by you no matter what. That’s what friends do anyway.

They usually say that people who listen and understand one better is a person of the opposite sex. Lets all agree on here first. You cannot tell some things to your boys because they will either laugh at you or make you look like a sissy. Moreover, you cannot tell some things to your girls because they will judge you or worse talk to people about it. There was a time a mother advised me to have friends of the opposite sex cause they will never talk about you behind your back. As for me am referring to male friends, they are loyal to maintaining secrets (I am still trying to figure out though if she was right). But so far, she is right. Additionally, most men are good listeners. They will listen to you talk and give you their opinion or advice. Oh, please kindly note that I am not asking you to go to a man and start asking about your wardrobe and new outfits to include unless he is a gay man of course. There are things that your male friends know how to handle more than your female friends do and vice versa when it comes to men.

I am a person who believes in valuing friendships so when it comes to platonic relationships I am cool with it. Therefore, whether it is platonic or not, I have to maintain it all the time.

So far having a platonic relationship is an awesome thing. There are no intimate feelings that are likely to cloud your judgement, quarrels and shouting that is common among couples and you both have a win-win situation where you both have a peace of mind. The greatest downfall though of this type of relationship is when feelings develop and start to make everything blurry. I cannot deny that occasionally one party falls for the other and makes the whole friendship/relationship awkward especially if it is not mutual. It makes the party that does not feel the same to look like an animal. However, before that time comes do get to enjoy a chaste relationship with your girl or boy. It does not all have to end up being about love and sex all the time, you know.